I know who I am by Becky


Me and my little sister singing ‘Morning Has Broken’ on our swing at the bottom of our garden. Aged 7 and 4. 1978.


i know who i am

I’m part of nature. I see it in the vast sky,

I see it in the blackbird, hear it in his song

Learned in the garden, I feel it.

Carefree and full of love my wish is to be good

Simple times, no concerns

Playing, making things to give to others, selfless,

I’m a child. Brought up with kindness and created by love

 

Somewhere along the way doors close and dark doors open

Influenced by others unknowingly

Media bombards me

Demands pile up with expectations.

Parents still guide me towards goodness

But the outside world throws me around until

I am following and seeking stimulation

And self-gratification

Thinking it is right for many years 


With my darling husband at the top of the Pic Du midi, Pyrenees, France, 2007.


I meet my love in far off lands

He tells me he is here to rescue me from this

Downward path well-trodden by many

His hand pulls me up onto a higher track

But it is in the mountains and it’s not an easy climb

Still, I need to join him.

Another turn, a different environment

Conforming, it’s exhausting

Family far away, Husband too, light dims again

I seek escapism and begin to fall - Literally

In that moment arms around me

‘I’ve got you’

Don’t fall down keep going

I firm up

 

My steps become steady

The joyful laughter and sorrow of children around me

Gives me responsibilities

Takes attention away from my plight

Separation from those I love lead to separation from myself

Distractions numbing the pain

Why am I here?

What’s the point?

Hopelessness. Wishing for death to come

 

A crash – Literally - And in that moment, I am saved again

Six years ahead of looking and searching for a cure, for the truth

Until it appears unexpectedly with those I hold dearest

By the lake of an old volcano from the mouth of an English gentleman

He says ‘Falun Dafa is good. Look it up’

‘I will. I vow’

Stars above reach down to us from the endless vastness

The truth comes to me and I wake up

A beam through my body starts the wheels turning

And I’m once again lit up 



Influence from around seeks my new vulnerabilities

It pokes my weaknesses

My chest feels tight, my throat constrained

I’m speaking truth and it tries to shut me up

My steps get bolder My armour gets tempered

My soul is alight.

It can not and must not and will not stop Or be restrained anymore

I grab my shield and reinforce it from within

 

The battle is real. I throw myself in

The darkness is dark

The bottomless pit is not bottomless.

I sit in bleakness on black coals surrounded by red embers

In an unfamiliar landscape with an endless horizon

I feel alone

Why is there no one else here?

It’s too deep - is the answer

 

Yet I was never alone and I know that now

He walks beside me and shows me the way

It must be like this to forge a diamond

And mould a heart of gold

I have to go on and stay on this track

And this is the only way

With demons exposed there is no going back

Forward I go Courage increased

I dare to be brave

Self-doubt tries to win Pulling my heart Stifling my breath



Truth’s colours are so bright as they swirl and expand

And the sounds of the heavens play in my ears

I need to help others

To get back to their homes

I take up the challenges

My mission is clear. I learn to trust myself.

My heart beats with purpose, time expands and me with it



 Later, recovering after a successful part of the battle,

I’m an old general slouched in my tent

Battle wounded and bleeding

Spent, exhausted and old

Making room for new troops

Tired, time to rebuild and regroup

Satisfied -

Yet not finished 


My dear, loving father on the cliff tops over looking the bay a few months before he passed away. Taken in Winter, 2021.


The suffering increases

Life has its course with family duties

Old parents to care for, consecutive losses

Death of the dear ones tempers me further and forces out the pain

Yet in those moments of being squeezed like a cloth

To get out the last dregs of contaminated water,

Light fills my heart and my head becomes clear

I see who I am and what I have become

And I know why I am here

To blaze my own path and create something good

To hold steady and be firm when the next wave descends upon me

 

Death and fear can’t change you

Once you’ve seen the light

My guide is the highest and held in my heart

I know what to do now and it’s beautiful

With Faith my journey continues

As I embrace this unfolding mystery.


By Becky James

11 July 2021




The photos are of me at various ages some with my parents and little sister in our garden. With my husband. In a Falun Dafa parade in Prague in 2018. In Parliament and at the China Tribunal in 2019.