The Decorators Cometh
1st March 2025
Hello dear reader. I have been very busy producing my Bertie and Friends stories for children over the last year or so. Sadly, no Tales From The Yorkshire Wolds emerged during that time. However, I am hoping that this year might be a different story.
My dear and much revered Mother used to say “always expect the unexpected” and I am certainly finding that to be true at the moment. During January and February of this year I meticulously planned a novel that I intended to go and write for the rest of 2025. But … the best laid plans and all that …
Tis my own fault. In my wisdom, (always questionable), I decided it was time for Comb Towers to be spruced up. We are looking a tad on the shabby side and so the unilateral decision was taken to summon the decorators. A quick splash of paint hither and yon and we will soon be spruced up, thinks I.
Mmm, it’s never just that simple, is it? Mr T, the decorator came to call. A delightful man dressed in spotless white overalls; a credit to his profession. I conducted him to the upper floor of the house and airily gestured hither and yon at the various rooms, all to be painted and some re-papered.
‘Big job this, Missus,’ says he. ‘Holes in the walls to fill and rub down, paper to strip off and then re-line the walls, before we get anywhere near the paint jobs; walls, ceilings, skirting boards; and all these pictures will have to come down and a lot of this furniture shifted…’
Obviously not as simple as I had envisaged and it would all take a lot of time - room by room, not to mention the high ceilinged hall, stairs and landings. I swallowed hard and gritted my snaggle teeth. One cannot be put off and fall at the first fence. In for a penny, in for a pound. Stiffen the sinews and summon up the blood, etc., etc.
So, I nodded my agreement to Mr T and thought that was that. Ha ha, dear reader, of course it wasn’t. You know and I now know, ‘that’ is the least of it. The subject of a colour scheme arose. My heart sank. A colour scheme … not a clue! ‘Can’t you just slosh a load of white everywhere?’ I asked hopefully. Mr T looked at me pityingly. ‘Well, if you want the house to look like an operating theatre or an igloo, all dazzling white and sterile, then of course, we can do that, although you might need to go around with your sunglasses on. But, dear lady, I don’t recommend it. I’ll bring you some colour charts and you can have a discuss with Mr C and select a nice colour scheme for your rooms.’
Dear reader, have you any idea how many shades of white there are in this world? There must be hundreds. My eyes are spinning in my head considering the merits of White Mist as against Rock Salt or Egyptian White. What have the Egyptians got to do with it anyway?
So, here I am at the beginning of March and not a word of a novel written. I am the proud possessor of umpteen paint tester pots and have spent silly amounts of time painting sheets of paper to see if I like white or not!!!! And I haven’t got past white yet.
And if Mr T thought we were away with the fairies before I think he has had his suspicions confirmed now. Bless his heart, he turned up last week with several sheets of thick paper painted in different shades of white, off white, cream … you hum it son and he had ‘em. Just prior to this we had had some gravel delivered to patch in some bald places around Comb Towers. Spouse, can of spray in hand, asked me to have a walk round so that we could decide which bald spots to fill in. As I pointed them out, Spouse sprayed around them. I went indoors after that, as all that was left were the two lanes of tyre tracks down the side of the house where the gravel had been ground in. Spouse was busy spraying these lanes when Mr T turned up. ‘I’m painting the gravel,’ says Spouse jovially. I think he was just keeping in solidarity with Mr T.
What can I say, dear reader? Mr T handed over the painted sheets and beat a hasty retreat. Will we see him again? I do hope so. On the plus side, at least he knows a certain amount of eccentricity prevails at Comb Towers, on the minus side, is he brave enough to take us on? Time will tell.
In the meantime, I continue in hope and peruse all shades of white and then have to get my head around colours that are not white. That might be a whole other lifetime.
See you next week, dear reader and in the meantime if thoughts of spring re-decorating come into your mind take my advice, boot them out immediately. No good will come of it.