I know who I am by Becky
Me and my little sister singing ‘Morning Has Broken’ on our swing at the bottom of our garden. Aged 7 and 4. 1978.
i know who i am
I’m part of nature. I see it in the vast sky,
I see it in the blackbird, hear it in his song
Learned in the garden, I feel it.
Carefree and full of love my wish is to be good
Simple times, no concerns
Playing, making things to give to others, selfless,
I’m a child. Brought up with kindness and created by love
Somewhere along the way doors close and dark doors open
Influenced by others unknowingly
Media bombards me
Demands pile up with expectations.
Parents still guide me towards goodness
But the outside world throws me around until
I am following and seeking stimulation
And self-gratification
Thinking it is right for many years
With my darling husband at the top of the Pic Du midi, Pyrenees, France, 2007.
I meet my love in far off lands
He tells me he is here to rescue me from this
Downward path well-trodden by many
His hand pulls me up onto a higher track
But it is in the mountains and it’s not an easy climb
Still, I need to join him.
Another turn, a different environment
Conforming, it’s exhausting
Family far away, Husband too, light dims again
I seek escapism and begin to fall - Literally
In that moment arms around me
‘I’ve got you’
Don’t fall down keep going
I firm up
My steps become steady
The joyful laughter and sorrow of children around me
Gives me responsibilities
Takes attention away from my plight
Separation from those I love lead to separation from myself
Distractions numbing the pain
Why am I here?
What’s the point?
Hopelessness. Wishing for death to come
A crash – Literally - And in that moment, I am saved again
Six years ahead of looking and searching for a cure, for the truth
Until it appears unexpectedly with those I hold dearest
By the lake of an old volcano from the mouth of an English gentleman
He says ‘Falun Dafa is good. Look it up’
‘I will. I vow’
Stars above reach down to us from the endless vastness
The truth comes to me and I wake up
A beam through my body starts the wheels turning
And I’m once again lit up
Influence from around seeks my new vulnerabilities
It pokes my weaknesses
My chest feels tight, my throat constrained
I’m speaking truth and it tries to shut me up
My steps get bolder My armour gets tempered
My soul is alight.
It can not and must not and will not stop Or be restrained anymore
I grab my shield and reinforce it from within
The battle is real. I throw myself in
The darkness is dark
The bottomless pit is not bottomless.
I sit in bleakness on black coals surrounded by red embers
In an unfamiliar landscape with an endless horizon
I feel alone
Why is there no one else here?
It’s too deep - is the answer
Yet I was never alone and I know that now
He walks beside me and shows me the way
It must be like this to forge a diamond
And mould a heart of gold
I have to go on and stay on this track
And this is the only way
With demons exposed there is no going back
Forward I go Courage increased
I dare to be brave
Self-doubt tries to win Pulling my heart Stifling my breath
Truth’s colours are so bright as they swirl and expand
And the sounds of the heavens play in my ears
I need to help others
To get back to their homes
I take up the challenges
My mission is clear. I learn to trust myself.
My heart beats with purpose, time expands and me with it
Later, recovering after a successful part of the battle,
I’m an old general slouched in my tent
Battle wounded and bleeding
Spent, exhausted and old
Making room for new troops
Tired, time to rebuild and regroup
Satisfied -
Yet not finished
My dear, loving father on the cliff tops over looking the bay a few months before he passed away. Taken in Winter, 2021.
The suffering increases
Life has its course with family duties
Old parents to care for, consecutive losses
Death of the dear ones tempers me further and forces out the pain
Yet in those moments of being squeezed like a cloth
To get out the last dregs of contaminated water,
Light fills my heart and my head becomes clear
I see who I am and what I have become
And I know why I am here
To blaze my own path and create something good
To hold steady and be firm when the next wave descends upon me
Death and fear can’t change you
Once you’ve seen the light
My guide is the highest and held in my heart
I know what to do now and it’s beautiful
With Faith my journey continues
As I embrace this unfolding mystery.
By Becky James
11 July 2021
The photos are of me at various ages some with my parents and little sister in our garden. With my husband. In a Falun Dafa parade in Prague in 2018. In Parliament and at the China Tribunal in 2019.