On loss, death, dependency and common sense by Becky
My idea and inspiration for Carry Forth Tradition came last January and, to be honest, it was a way to lift myself up; I had been doing some really heavy and intense work for nearly a decade, to expose the brutal persecution of Falun Dafa and forced organ harvesting in China, instigated by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). - 2020 China Tribunal Judgment - The International Coalition to End Transplant Abuse in China. I’d also learnt a lot more about the devastation left behind after the cultural revolution in China at the hands of the CCP.
Traditions, culture, arts, skills, crafts and ways of life have always been part of my life and upbringing and I wanted to do my ‘bit’ to keep them alive and pass things on. I felt we are also having a global loss of culture and tradition. As a young girl, I remember going to my next door neighbours school, he was Head Master, and every year they had a huge event. Children came from across Europe and would wear traditional costumes, perform traditional dances and to their traditional music. I loved it. (Have you seen Shen Yun - classical Chinese dance and performing arts, reviving 5,000 years of beautiful rich culture? If you love the same things I do, then you must go see it!)
Since my childhood, I have lived and travelled all over the world, in search of traditional ways of life, to connect with nature, to discover different cultures, to find inspiration and to visit Buddhist temples and ancient sites, something I have always felt drawn to.
To help myself and others last year, 2020, when the CCP Virus arrived, I decided to make a website about my favourite things, to have a go at writing articles, make some videos with my dad and share something cheerful and useful with the world. I hoped to cheer people up and help people through the ‘events’ that came up out of the blue. Others got involved, (and still do, and it’s been great!) I always have plenty to say, and millions of things I’d like to write about. It can be overwhelming as there’s not enough time in the day. Sometimes, I thought ‘What’s the point?’ or ‘Who would be interested?’ Writing about myself and my life so openly (because that’s the only place I can really draw experience from to be genuine), exposes my vulnerabilities and can be quite daunting. Still, it is something I wished to do. I hoped in some small way, it would be helpful or useful or comforting. So I decided to keep going with it…
Then last year, the unexpected happened. The thing I had dreaded most all my life -
My dad died.
This is a really personal sharing - it is about loss, dependency, death and common sense.
After our dear dad passed away in May 2021, my life really did change. I suddenly felt very small, and a few times when something came up for me to tackle, I no longer had my dad around to call and ask for advice. He was really wise. Instead, something really lovely happened. I started to recall lots of practical things he’d taught me growing up and do more things myself - again. I’ve always been very practical, always tried to fix things or mend things myself, done lots of work in the garden, tasks in the home, but somewhere down the line I had become so busy with other things - which I believe were immensely important - that I had stopped doing lots of things. I won’t go into fine detail, but suddenly after dad died, I got really productive again! Persevering with this website also helped me along. The other people who joined in were so kind and supportive.
When I look back over the last year, I realise I have moved back to basics, made my life a lot simpler and put more emphasis on my home and family. This is good in my opinion. Sometimes, we can be so busy, life passes by really quickly and we can miss a lot of things that happen. We never know what is around the corner, although I have noticed I have a tendency to have ‘everything worked out’, these last two years have reminded me that I don’t, and that it impossible for me, a mere mortal to be able to change the future or the fate of others.
One day we might unexpectedly lose someone and wish we had spent more time just being together enjoying life, and not rushing around. Thankfully, my intuition took me home at the beginning of last year, I really felt I needed to be with my parents for some unknown reason. Then the CCP virus came, lockdowns, mum fractured her spine, dad needed emergency spinal surgery, and then in November we discovered he had inoperable cancer of the oesophagus and had about 6 months to live. We decided he was to stay home, with me and mum, and we would take care of him until the end.
Initially I felt unemotional, a bit empty, unmoved, accepting, and I braced myself for the time ahead. Eventually, I just let go and I felt an amazing sense of underlying peace and unseen support. The following weeks and months are hard to put into words, I really was pushed to my limits, thinking on my toes, adapting and learning on the go. I found myself feeding my dad through a tube, unblocking it, moments of panic, intense moments of realisation, fear of loss, unbelievable pain and suffering watching him dying. I was washing him, lifting him out the bath, helping him to the loo, there was an urgency to sort some necessary things out. Other things that I couldn’t even have imagined happened that I choose not to write about to preserve dignity. Some things were just too alarming and distressing to put into words; being prepared for the unknown, the unexpected, the uncomfortable and the unpleasant is my point here. There were many others matters to address such as his will, power of attorney, finances, contacting people for him to say goodbye, people popping in to say goodbye, him giving me instructions of what he wanted me to do with some of his old tools, who to pass things to. We even had builders in building an extension on the kitchen for my mum - his parting gift to her. There was joy and laughter too, banter and ‘piss taking’ between the tradesmen, my dad loved it. He had worked so hard and tirelessly all his life as a plumber and heating engineer to make sure my mum would be ok if anything happened to him. In his last days he also had fun and laughter around him.
We sorted everything out. Then he died.
time is a healer?
Time heals, they say and it’s true for me in some regards, but other things helped too.
The funeral was in May and I went home in July after making sure mum was ok. I was exhausted, and retreated into myself, not really wanting to see anyone. There were moments of agony as it dawned on me that my dad had gone and I would never see him again and I had time to think about what had just happened. When I was in the midst of looking after my dying dad, I just kind of got on with it and I didn’t really have time to think. I didn’t really know what would come next. I had to put my faith and trust in my beliefs that there is a higher power and that things would unfold as the were destined to do so. Family and friends were really supportive and helped as much as they could. They seemed to pop up at the right time. I valued their experience and kindness.
Even with my strong faith in the Divine, the whole experience had been a mixture of trauma, chaos, peace and deep unconditional love and grace - moments in time I will treasure. Moments where I became stronger, more rounded, capable, patient, hard and understanding. Serious, necessary life lessons. I am grateful for the insights I get through practicing Falun Dafa, as it really, truly is what got me through it. Whilst taking care of dad in his last few months I would still meditate and do my exercises daily, and study online with friends; Falun Dafa practitioners from all over the world. They were there every day. We would read Zhuan Falun together online and then share about whatever we were going through or dealing with, and use the wisdom and insights we each had from this ancient practice to help each other along the way.
On the night of my dad’s death, which we didn’t see coming, I had gone to bed feeling devastated and questioning whether we were able to carry on taking care of him. It was becoming more obvious I wasn’t able to lift him as much, he seemed to be getting heavier and I was afraid. I decided to read Zhuan Falun (the book which Falun Dafa practitioners read), and I opened the book and sat with it on the bed. I suddenly was overcome with panic and grief. I asked aloud ‘Am I doing this right?’ and a voice from the distance said clearly - ‘Let me take care of him’. It was solid. True. Reassuring and absolute. I felt myself letting go of my dad inside my heart, something I knew I must do in order to be able to cope and accept what was inevitable, to be able to be at ease, at peace, and for him to be able to go knowing this. In the morning we found he had passed away peacefully as we’d slept.
Before all this had happened, I had dreaded losing my dad my entire life. As a little girl - I would cry at my bedroom window, sitting on the window sill as he left for work, and on a night he would always have to kiss me goodnight before I would sleep. The year before, in 2019, I was taking care of his sister, Auntie Eileen, until she passed away. It had helped me overcome a bit of the fear of losing someone and death. We often talk about death and loss but rarely about how to prepare or handle looking after someone who is dying. It is something I feel we need to talk about more openly after this experience. There seems to be a gap in our knowledge about how to cope with the dying and death, it is almost taboo, or at least that’s my experience. It’s almost as if people think once you talk about it, you’re bringing it on - I don’t believe that at all. I had built it up in my mind that witnessing death would be really scary, but watching my aunt and father pass away wasn’t. It wasn’t pleasant obviously, it is actually very hard to describe. I am also aware it could have been much, much worse. There was a kind of detachment, acceptance, it was very Holy, very final. I felt a serenity and peace and deep love I have not experienced, and it made me completely trust we are most definitely not alone. And that they really are being taken care of. Not something that’s easy to put into words, but comforting.
My other fear was of being around someone who was bleeding - as I am very squeamish. Then in October - we lost Connie - our Airedale. I couldn’t tell anyone as it was too painful. And too soon after dad. Towards the end of her life it was very hard as she had a large tumour on the back of her leg that was inoperable, it burst and I found myself stopping heavy bleeding, dressing wounds I won’t describe, caring for a very sick animal and it was intense and relentless. I thought I would panic - but when Connie was really in trouble - something kicked in and I was able to function, to do things I’d never been prepared for - and rely on my instincts and stop the bleeding - without feinting. Sadly the tumour had exploded and there was nothing the vets could do. She died peacefully at home, it was inevitable, she was nearly 12 and had a great life. She knew it, and she gave up.
That dog deserved a medal, she was a fantastic guard dog, loyal, brave, reliable, caring, entertaining and helped me on numerous occasions (by drawing people’s attention because she was fine looking) when I was out on the streets petitioning to end the persecution of Falun Gong and other groups by the Chinese Communist Party and shine a light on forced organ harvesting in China. What a noble being she was.
using my common sense
Last year, she had a huge lump suddenly come up on her back, really quickly. I took her down to the sea, gave it a really hard squeeze and lots of horrible stuff came out of her back. I flushed the hole in her back out with sea water until I was convinced it was clean, fresh blood started coming, so I knew it was clean. Once we were home, I mixed up some turmeric with a drop of water to make a paste and stuffed it in the hole. I covered it with a huge dressing. I left it for 2 days, then I took of the dressing, the turmeric had gone hard, the wound was already smaller with no sign of anything horrible. So, I refilled the wound with turmeric, covered it in honey and re-dressed it. Then another 2 days later, I took it off and the wound was really healing, so I then left it out in the air for the day, covered it at night and the next day took the dressing off for good and it healed up really well. She never flinched.
Now that was me using my common sense. I had read about the healing properties of turmeric. There are loads of plants out there that heal. It’s not new. For thousands of years people have used traditional methods, look at TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) and other methods. It was a lot cheaper than going to the vet - I don’t like unnecessary vet bills. There are loads of old remedies that have been recorded and passed down for thousands of years.
I’m not daft enough as to be giving you advise on what to do if you find yourself in a similar situation, nor would anyone be daft enough to follow my advice and not do their own research. Do what I did, ask questions and find out for yourself. There may be a better way!
experience matters
Advice - if I may give some.
In hindsight, I realise that when someone is in their final days, it is really important to make sure that their environment is as peaceful and tranquil as possible. This can be difficult - especially if it is unexpected or traumatic for either the dying - or for you. Keeping calm is vitally important, if you can, as it conserves your energy and it also means that you can think more rationally instead of acting on any impulses. Keep them warm and comfortable. Stay with them, or nearby if you feel more at ease. It also helped me to learn about what happens to the body in it’s final stages, so I could read the signs, so I knew what to expect. I’ve witnessed it twice and there were very similar stages. Keep them hydrated, if they can’t drink, wet a little bit of sponge and dab their lips, it stops their lips and mouth cracking. I applied lip balm to my auntie’s lips, it helped her mouth from being so sore.
Ask them what they would like you to do if they are still able to communicate. Right at the end I gave my dad drops of whiskey, nothing I really wanted to do - but I did it for him. It wasn’t about me. I spent time talking with them about any regrets they had or things they wished they had done or not done, tied up any lose ends, left no stone unturned. The conversations were direct, raw and blunt and necessary. I made sure that I contacted anyone they wanted me to contact, sorted out some of their personal matters, made sure and reassured them that we would take care of everything for them, their belongings and most importantly of each other. It was comfort to them to know they would leave and we would all be ok.
I’d stress - if you can, be brave enough to accept what is happening and if there’s any thing left unsaid - make sure you say it. You won’t get another chance.
Make peace with them before they leave
I still feel my dad was supposed to be in his 90’s, but I have settled with Connie going.
recovery and self cultivation
To me, the healing process is part of life. I find that we are always healing from something, physical or emotional. I’ve been practicing Falun Dafa for over 10 years; it’s an ancient Buddhist self - cultivation and meditation practice. It has been my anchor, my life saver, my comfort. It always helps me to identify what is going on inside me, in my heart or my mind. It teaches me to notice if something is wrong, amiss, if I’m worrying about something deeply, if there is an anxiety that is festering. It brings things out into the open, up to the surface, so I can see what is going on deep down inside of me. Then I can begin to sort it out.
It helped me face reality when it set in. I walked towards the fear instead of burying my head in the sand. I found the courage to be strong for others when they needed my help. Then, when it was all over and I crumpled, it helped me to pick myself up again. A better version of my former self. A more understanding version with more experience to draw from, again, to be strong for others.
I have been blessed to have had these beautiful beings in my life, and when I think of them, I remember the good times, there were many. My heart is filled with joy! Not sadness. If I feel anything sad or unpleasant creeping in, I pick up Zhuan Falun, or I exercise, meditate, play my harp, go for a walk, do some art, make something - or eat! My auntie always told me ‘Don’t dwell’ - she was made of finer stuff. We were brought up to be strong and to hold our heads up high and not be crushed by adversity - she lived through a war, she remembers her house being bombed when she was little. She was nearly 84 when she died. She went to Church and was always baking, knitting, sewing or doing embroidery for other people and spent a great deal of her life volunteering for MacMillan (cancer support) - right up until she died.
my personal conclusion
When faced with difficulties, the challenge is to keep going. Self - cultivation was and will always be my incentive. Falun Dafa teaches returning to the characteristics of the Universe - Zhen Shan Ren (The virtues of truth, the true self, compassion/benevolence/kindness, tolerance/endurance/forbearance/patience) to become more truthful, compassionate and tolerant. I believe we can all do it, we can all try to be a better version of our self. Life throws all sorts at us, and more often than not it is unexpected, out of the blue. No matter how much we try to have everything planned and worked out, life has different plans for us! I believe that, if we are able to take a positive response to whatever that may be, then we can learn and grow from our experiences, no matter how devastating or awful they may be.
To me, this is the only way. The only way is up. Getting up. Learning from our falls and not staying on the floor, or going down even lower. To keep going! Lifting each other up.
Isn’t this just life?