I know who I am by Becky James
i know who i am
I’m part of nature. I see it in the vast sky,
I see it in the blackbird, hear it in his song.
Learned in the garden, I feel it.
Carefree and full of love my wish is to be good.
Simple times, no concerns.
Playing, making things to give to others, selfless.
I’m a child; brought up with kindness and created by love.
Somewhere along the way doors close and dark doors open.
Influenced by others unknowingly,
media bombards me,
demands pile up with expectations.
Parents still guide me towards goodness
but the outside world throws me around until
I am following and seeking stimulation
and self-gratification
thinking it is right for many years.
I meet my love in far off lands.
He tells me he is here to rescue me from this
downward path - well-trodden by many.
His hand pulls me up onto a higher track
but it is in the mountains and it’s not an easy climb.
Still, I need to join him.
Another turn, a different environment.
Conforming; it’s exhausting.
Family far away, Husband too, light dims again.
I seek escapism and begin to fall - Literally.
In that moment arms around me
‘I’ve got you!’
Don’t fall down! Keep going!
I firm up.
My steps become steady.
The joyful laughter and sorrow of children around me
gives me responsibilities,
takes attention away from my plight.
Separation from those I love lead to separation from myself.
Distractions numbing the pain.
Why am I here?
What’s the point?
Hopelessness. Wishing for death to come.
A crash – Literally - And in that moment, I am saved again.
Six years ahead of looking and searching for a cure, for the truth
until it appears unexpectedly with those I hold dearest
by the lake of an old volcano in France from the mouth of an English gentleman.
He says ‘Falun Dafa is good. Look it up.’
‘I will.’ I vow.
Stars above reach down to us from the endless vastness.
The truth comes to me, and I wake up.
A beam through my body starts the wheels turning
and I’m once again lit up.
Influence from around seeks my new vulnerabilities.
It pokes my weaknesses.
My chest feels tight, my throat constrained,
I’m speaking truth and it tries to shut me up.
My steps get bolder My armour gets tempered.
My soul is alight.
It can not and must not and will not stop or be restrained anymore!
- I grab my shield and reinforce it from within.
The battle is real. I throw myself in.
The darkness is dark,
the bottomless pit is not bottomless.
I sit in bleakness on black coals surrounded by red embers
in an unfamiliar landscape with an endless horizon.
I feel alone.
‘Why is there no one else here?’
It’s too deep - is the answer.
Yet I was never alone and I know that now.
He walks beside me and shows me the way.
It must be like this to forge a diamond
and mould a heart of gold.
I have to go on and stay on this track
and this is the only way.
With demons exposed there is no going back.
Forward I go. Courage increased.
I dare to be brave.
Self-doubt tries to win pulling my heart, stifling my breath.
Truth’s colours are so bright as they swirl and expand
and the sounds of the heavens play in my ears.
I need to help others
to get back to their homes.
I take up the challenges.
My mission is clear. I learn to trust myself.
My heart beats with purpose, time expands, and me with it.
Later, recovering, after a successful part of the battle;
I’m an old general slouched in my tent
battle-wounded and bleeding.
Spent, exhausted and old.
Making room for new troops,
tired, time to rebuild and regroup.
Satisfied -
Yet not finished.
The suffering increases.
Life has its course with family duties
old parents to care for, consecutive losses.
Death of the dear ones tempers me further and forces out the pain.
Yet in those moments of being squeezed like a cloth
to get out the last dregs of contaminated water,
light fills my heart, and my head becomes clear.
I see who I am and what I have become
and I know why I am here -
to blaze my own path and create something good.
To hold steady and be firm when the next wave descends upon me.
Death and fear can’t change you
once you’ve seen the light.
My guide is the highest and held in my heart.
I know what to do now and it’s beautiful.
With Faith my journey continues
As I embrace this unfolding mystery.
By Becky James
11 July 2021
The photos are of me at various ages some with my parents and little sister in our garden. With my husband. In a Falun Dafa parade in Prague in 2018. In Parliament and at the China Tribunal in 2019.